How to play a traffic cone on the clarinet

I should make a video for this eventually, but for now here are some basic steps. Feel free to let me know at this email if you actually follow these steps successfully.

Step 1: Acquire cone

Get the cone somehow, in a (hopefully) legal way. I found mine under a tree on school grounds; it had been there for months and was forgotten about completely. Do not take traffic cones from active construction sites. Get a preferably larger cone; smaller ones will do but are not as awesome.

Step 2: Acquire other materials

There are times I wish I was a saxophone, and this is one of those times. Saxes can simply stick a cone up their bell and balance it with some duct tape, but clarinets absolutely cannot do that, so a bit more rigging is required.

Find some rope or a bungee cord - anything fairly strong will do. Also try to get a music stand, preferably one of those old, stodgy ones that can’t move very easily. These two materials will allow you to make a setup where you can play into the cone with the clarinet.

Step 3: Assemble contraption

Place the fat end of the cone against the edge of the music stand, so that it rests like a sheet of paper would. Tilt the stand horizontally until the cone is balanced on top of the stand. Then, loosely tie the cone to the stand with the rope or cord; any knot will do, but preferably have a Boy Scout around to make sure that the setup is secure. In a pinch, the rope is not completely necessary and the cone can hold its own with the music stand, but be warned that the cone might fall off very easily if someone jostles it in this case.

Step 4: Prepare the clarinet

Practice playing horizontally. This is pretty much a vital skill if you want to play into the cone, because if the cone setup is tilted too far in either direction from horizontal then it puts too much stress on the stand and will return to a fully vertical, useless position. The biggest trick to playing horizontally is to tilt your face up with the clarinet, so that your embouchure stays mostly the same. Otherwise, your tone will worsen and your cheeks will fall apart.

Step 5: Unleash the cone

Play a low E horizontally and push the bell onto the small end of the cone, on which it should fit almost perfectly. The result should be a very resonant, tuba-like E that is also a slight bit flat. If you accomplish this, then congratulations! - you are ready. High notes - in fact, any note - will work with the cone and will be significantly louder, but low notes produce the most dramatic effect because they cause the whole cone to vibrate.

Take the cone to any pep band game - preferably no formal concerts - and unleash it. Teach other clarinets. Ignore drum majors - especially loud, bossy ones - when they complain, but always heed the advice of your band director.

Happy coning!

Update 2/12/24: I have lost the cone (somehow) and am currently searching for it. If I find it (or procure another one), I’ll make a Youtube how-to video!